rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Bring me that man meat
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
