You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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