omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
