so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
