(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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