If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
