i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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