guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
