The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
