If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
