Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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