you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
