So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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