He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
