just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
