I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
