you guys were way drunker than both of me
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
