I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
