Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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