Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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