Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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