When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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