Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
