I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
