Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
