btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
