I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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