i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
