you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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