You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
