i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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