Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Randomize
