a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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