just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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