he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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