You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We left the knife in your bed.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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