I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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