I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
