things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
