Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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