May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
