A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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