Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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