Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
