May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
