i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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