I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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