This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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