I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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