You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
